Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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