Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i think im in europe. pls send help
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
