Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i out mim tonsoeep
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