Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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