I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Houston, we have a squirter
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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