hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
