Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
