why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
