The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
