I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
