We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
