jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
