god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
