Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
