worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
