You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
