so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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