I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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