Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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