Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
