I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Randomize
