Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
