God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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