if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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