i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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