i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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