I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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