you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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