I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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