3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
