3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
