He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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