I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize