Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
