from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it hurts more in the daytime
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
