I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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