Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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