remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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