wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
