A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
