woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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