i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
