I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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