she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
