my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
