he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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