I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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