I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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