im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
