kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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