my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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