Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I checked into jail on foursquare
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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