i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
