if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
