I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
