Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
