When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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