i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
