So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
