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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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