I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
